Tiny Balls of Awesome: WebMD is a Mean Girl

Hi! I'm going to make your life hell for the next 4 years!

A few months ago I signed up for WebMD because I wanted to totally scare the shit out of myself on a daily basis. I quit using the email that it sends newsletters to a while back when I started this blog and promptly forgot about it because I have the attention span of a gerbil on crack.

Well, looking back through the emails sent by WebMD, I find our relationship is getting strained from my lack of attention. WebMD is kind of like that girl in high school that you started out really good friends with Freshman year but by Senior year she's telling people you're a lesbian and and your dad molested you. Seriously, WebMD, why ya gotta be such a biotch?

Here are some of the emails I got starting with the oldest:

Who's on Your Pain Treatment Team?

Now I need you to just bend over, Ethel..yess..just like that.

Well, thanks for asking WebMD. I'm glad you're taking a genuine concern for my well-being.

Managing Antidepression Side Effects

Is that a Tylenol PM gelcap?

Again, I'm glad you're showing an interest. It is hard sometimes dealing with issues like dry mouth and lack of sexual interest. Maybe they are interlinked? Hmm..

Fattest and Fittest States in America

It's FREEDOM fries, mothafucka!

Where did this come from, WMD? I know my state's not even on this list, but it seems a little out of left field. Are you saying I need to lose some Lbs?

10 Diet Tips from the Pros

Okay, I get it! I was doing really well then I got side tracked. I know I've put on a good 10 lbs since vacation but I was planning on going back to the gym. Honest!

Nerve Pain Explained

Stop walking on hot coals, Jackwagon!

Nice to see we're off the Fatty Fatterson topic for a while. Oh, wait. I get it, I wouldn't be having so much "Nerve Pain" if it wasn't for my giant, fat ass. Ha ha, WMD.

Real Ways to Lift Your Mood

They're coming to take me away...haha..hehe

What? When did binge drinking and eating a pound of chocolate stop being a "real" way to lift my mood? It certainly made me feel happy. Well, it did until the hang over and constipation set in.

Steer Clear of These Sandwiches